StraightCashHomey.net is "the world’s only website devoted to random jerseys", and their goal is "to turn the world into an international ridiculous jersey scavenger hunt".
Basically people send in pictures they took of people wearing lame, old, and outdated jerseys, and it is hilarious.
Since the Browns have pretty much missed on every draft pick, trade, and free agent signing for the past ten years, Cleveland Browns Stadium is the website’s brick and mortar equivalent.
I go to every Browns home game with my Dad and a group of wily degenerates, so I’m fortunate enough to witness this first hand, ten times a year. From what I can tell, if you buy a Browns jersey, you are going to get Straight Cash Homey’ed (SCH’ed).
(image via)
I was talking about this with Nastruthomas the other day, and at this point there are only two Browns jerseys you could purchase with a good chance that you won’t be screwed over in the next couple years: Joe Thomas and Josh Cribbs.
How sad is that? The only safe Browns jerseys you can wear belong to a left tackle and a kick returner. Whereas other NFL franchises allow you to wear the jersey of their star quarterback, explosive running back, or exciting wide receiver, we get to wear the jersey of a guy who plays a thankless position and a special teamer.
Let’s go through a catalog of what jerseys you are bound to see if you stroll downtown on a Sunday afternoon:
- Tim Couch. This is the most tragic of all. Most with Couch jerseys have taken the "C" off the jersey to make it an "Ouch" jersey in a poor clever attempt to make the jersey relevant. It is worth noting Lil Bow Wow has been SCH’ed, as he was wearing a Couch jersey on his first album cover.
- Kellen Winslow, Jr. This one is still running rampant on the shores of Lake Erie.
- Braylon Edwards. This was a rare SCH that occurred during the season. Most people with his jersey were sure he was poised for a bounce back year in ’09 after a lackluster ’08. Instead, he (allegedly) punched LeBron’s friend and was shipped out of town.
- William Green. After his rookie year in ’02, it really looked like the Browns found their franchise running back. Then his girlfriend stabbed him, and he was busted for driving drunk and having weed on him. That brings us to…
- Kevin Johnson. Tim Couch’s former number one receiver. He seemed to disappear of the face of the planet right around when Couch did.
- Any Browns QB since ’99, so we’re talking about Couch, Kelly Holcomb, Derek Anderson, Brady Quinn, Spergon Wynn, Jeff Garcia, Charlie Frye (LOTS of these), just to name a few. Go ahead and throw Brady Quinn in this group, the newest former Browns QB (and now we have PINK SCHs!!!!).
- Go ahead and throw Dennis Northcutt in there, since he took a few snaps at QB.
This is just another reason why it pretty much sucks to be a Browns fan most of the time. Not only do they not provide us with a consistently entertaining football team, but you’re constantly being burned when you buy their memorabilia. Just don’t buy a Browns jersey, you’re going to regret it.
Don’t worry, Cleveland fans. You can always buy your LeBron James Cavs #23 jersey to be safe.
Or not, since you actually are screwed either way there. He either stays a Cavalier and switches to #6, or he goes the traditional SCH route and leaves town.
If you must wear a jersey, you could always go the safe route and get a custom made one with your own last name on the back, but then you’re just a nerd. Or a Bernie Kosar jersey, which just shows you can’t let go of the past. A Jim Brown jersey would work, but you’re gonna have to fork over $400 for a good one.
Now if you’ll excuse me, I gotta get to some laundry. My Adimchinobi Echemandu jersey is getting a liiiiiiiiitle ripe.
